1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:06,207
I just got a $20 tip
on a $10 check.

2
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,142
I may be the greatest
waitress ever,

3
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:11,779
and strangely, that doesn't
make me want to die.

4
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:15,549
You're finally getting the hang
of a job you've had for years.

5
00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:18,786
Is your last name Obama?

6
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:21,655
[gasps]
Another big tip.

7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:24,024
I think it's my smile.

8
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,632
Well, something's smiling.

9
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:32,633
[bell dings]

10
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,268
Pickup.
Patty melt.

11
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:37,538
Correction: panty melt.

12
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,607
- Caroline, you have...
- What, Max?

13
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,741
Pride in a job well done?

14
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:43,444
Yes, some of us
can still feel pride.

15
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:47,248
Yeah, but only for about
another ten seconds.

16
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,517
Caroline.

17
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,518
Ooh!

18
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,286
Oh...oh, no.

19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,421
Oh, no.

20
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:58,292
This reminds me of when I saw
my mother's side boob.

21
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:00,494
Max, you have to say something.

22
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:01,762
Um, Caroline?

23
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,164
Hey, look!

24
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,365
I just got a $10 tip
from this guy,

25
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,568
and I spilled coffee
on his face.

26
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,802
Screw it.

27
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:12,340
I'm taking the ass train
to Money Town.

28
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:14,508
Oh, nope.
Not wearing underwear.

29
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,680
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

30
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,182
[cash register bell dings]

31
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:25,219
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

32
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:32,893
I know it's technically good
to have a big order,

33
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,695
but I am five cupcakes away

34
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:38,366
from what professional doctors
call T.Rex arm.

35
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,335
Like you always tell me--
use your other hand.

36
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:44,138
It'll feel like a stranger.

37
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,740
And how about our
new business labels

38
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:51,512
and my ability to be excited
about literally anything?

39
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,447
I got them with the money
you were saving

40
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,849
for that Porky Pig bong.

41
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,419
But when
it's down to just resin,

42
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,754
it says,
"That's all, folks."

43
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,557
I'll pay you back
as soon as we get the money

44
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,160
for this big order for...L?

45
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,729
Max, someone named L
ordered these cupcakes?

46
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,831
Oh, that's not an L;
that's an I.

47
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,368
Sorry, I learned printing
mostly from ransom notes.

48
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:15,769
I?

49
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:19,540
I mean, what kind of person
would just be named I?

50
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,609
This kind.

51
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,811
Hello.
That's my order.

52
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,250
Yes, they're just about
ready, mis...ter...

53
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,485
I'll spare you the stress
and confusion, dear,

54
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,587
because I can tell
by the size of your pores,

55
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:37,425
you're a sweater.

56
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:39,660
She is.

57
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,861
Sometimes
she gets so nervous

58
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,663
watching "America's
Next Top Model,"

59
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,566
our couch
is slick for days.

60
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:49,937
Spoiler alert: none of them
are America's next top model.

61
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,840
To be clear,
I am neither he nor she,

62
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:56,277
Mr. nor Mrs.,
male nor female,

63
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,212
and the only part of me
that's transitioning

64
00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:01,315
are my heels
from day to evening.

65
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:05,786
I am simply I,
and I cannot be labeled.

66
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:08,556
I am gender fluid.

67
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,890
That's cool.

68
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,894
As long as none of it
gets on us.

69
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,297
Is my order ready,
or do I have to wade through

70
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:19,400
more of this poor man's
Amy and Tina?

71
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,836
I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.

72
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,605
I'm just finishing
boxing them up for you.

73
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,840
It's okay for cupcakes to
still be put in a box, right?

74
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,710
Just not people.

75
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,746
I'm using your cupcakes
in some performance art.

76
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,982
See, I is a performance artist
this month.

77
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:38,252
Last month, I was working
at the Cold Stone Creamery

78
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,254
on 8th Street.

79
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:43,857
Well,
I've had sex there.

80
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,327
Yes, well, who hasn't?

81
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,996
The audience will bite into
one of your pretty, pink,

82
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:52,333
femme-looking cupcakes,
only to discover

83
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:56,337
that I have inserted
a cocktail weenie inside.

84
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:59,907
But who wants to be surprised
by a little weenie?

85
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,313
I don't mind it.

86
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,016
It's an interactive experiment
that challenges

87
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,485
how we instinctively
label one another.

88
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,021
But I don't have to explain
my performance piece to you.

89
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,291
You're not my advisor
at The New School.

90
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,359
Forgive me.

91
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,361
I wasn't criticizing
your piece.

92
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:23,897
Yeah, we're still not even
sure if you have one.

93
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,067
Can you excuse us
for a minute?

94
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,836
And by the way,
the fuchsia in your blouse

95
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:32,806
really brings out
the red in your beard.

96
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,042
People are gonna see
our adorable labels

97
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:38,779
and think all our cupcakes
are stuffed with wieners.

98
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,581
Would it kill you
to have a wiener

99
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,851
stuffed in your cupcake?

100
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,454
Look, someone
is paying for them,

101
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,355
and that someone can do

102
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,056
whatever the hell
they want with them.

103
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,524
I said the same thing
to the people

104
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:53,026
who bought my kids.

105
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,329
We don't want someone
to deface our cupcakes.

106
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,930
They're meant to be
enjoyed by children

107
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,799
or single women
when a romantic comedy

108
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:01,101
hits too close to home.

109
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,070
Money is money.
It doesn't matter.

110
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,805
Just put the cupcakes
in the bag.

111
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:05,973
I don't feel good about this.

112
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,808
Sorry, but we're
just not comfortable

113
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:08,942
selling you our cupcakes.

114
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,912
He is right here.
Bag it!

115
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:15,048
What did you just call me?

116
00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,817
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

117
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,118
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

118
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,053
I did not say the thing
you thought I said.

119
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,789
I didn't even think it.

120
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,958
In fact, I wasn't listening
to half that crap you said.

121
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,895
She said, "bag it,"
with a B, as in boy--

122
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,530
or not a boy.

123
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,832
Oh, I see what this is.

124
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,001
This is just another
homophobic bakery

125
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,970
trying to deny service
to people like me.

126
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,872
Well, I don't
have to stand here

127
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,774
to tell you how upset I am.

128
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:43,844
That's what Yelp is for.

129
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:46,980
Oh, no.

130
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:50,518
I think Kathy Bates
is really mad at us.

131
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,120
Well, that sucks.

132
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:56,924
Now I want a hot dog.

133
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,927
[upbeat rock music]

134
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,429
*

135
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,831
Where are
all the customers?

136
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,566
I haven't seen
this few people since...

137
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,968
You went on Tinder?

138
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,604
Your sweet 16 party?

139
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:11,739
Caroline,
throw one in there.

140
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,542
Your season of
"The Bachelor"?

141
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,076
I was going to say

142
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:19,747
so few people since a sale
at your cupcake window.

143
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,983
Boom!
I just schooled you.

144
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,954
Well, preschooled us.

145
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,388
Hey, everybody.

146
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,960
Oh, my gosh.

147
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,863
You girls,
I raced over here so fast,

148
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:39,733
I left half my hair
in Midtown.

149
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,435
Love the babushka, baby.

150
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:44,004
Reminds me of
my Aunt Schmirna.

151
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:47,007
Great boobs:
one big, one small.

152
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,043
Something for everyone.

153
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:54,014
Yeah, the gays,
they're real mad at you.

154
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,150
Yeah, my stylist, Carl,
told me about two girls

155
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,620
with a cupcake shop
in Brooklyn

156
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:04,792
who didn't want to serve
a member of the LGBTQ community.

157
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,193
LGBTQ?

158
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:10,564
Those are the trains
I take to get here.

159
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,800
Oh, my God.
Max, this is terrible.

160
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:13,934
I know.

161
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:17,237
Earl only lives
a block away.

162
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:20,040
Why is he taking
five trains?

163
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:23,176
The gays are steaming mad.

164
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,078
You know,
if I were you girls,

165
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,648
I would stay away
from the Village,

166
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,784
the East River,
the Hudson River,

167
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,953
Melissa Rivers,

168
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,988
Pinkberry,

169
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:36,557
Broadway.

170
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:40,561
Yeah, and good luck
shopping for dog clothes.

171
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,697
Come on, Sophie.
It's not that bad.

172
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,198
Not that bad?

173
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,034
If it wasn't that bad,
would I have left the salon

174
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,169
looking like this?

175
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,905
[gasps]

176
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,006
Oh, my God.

177
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,107
They sent you out
like that?

178
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,208
They do hate us!

179
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,711
I know.
Tell me about it.

180
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,079
I look like Donald Trump

181
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:03,016
before they Velcroed
that dead cat to his head.

182
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:11,792
A classic good news/
bad news situation.

183
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,862
Good news: I figured out
where all the customers are.

184
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:18,866
Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.

185
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,735
[screams]

186
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:25,806
You went to Supercuts,
didn't you?

187
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,675
I hope you're happy,
girls.

188
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:31,511
Now even Han thinks
he's better than me.

189
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,982
[all, chanting]
No cake equals hate.

190
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,017
No cake
equals hate.

191
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,218
No cake equals hate.

192
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,153
No cake
equals hate.

193
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,556
Okay,
this is bad.

194
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,224
I haven't seen this many
angry gay people

195
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:48,028
since that NBC "Peter Pan."

196
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,630
There they are.

197
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,299
That's the one that refused
to sell me cupcakes.

198
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:52,966
Oh!

199
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,168
Hey, all right,
come on now.

200
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,770
The one with
the bee-stung lips,

201
00:08:56,804 --> 00:09:00,240
or the one with
the unfortunate side bang?

202
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,142
This is just
a misunderstanding.

203
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,277
Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is pro-gay.

204
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:07,080
- I love gay people.
- She does.

205
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:11,151
She's pretty much
dated them exclusively.

206
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:15,255
This little business
is our dream.

207
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:19,793
* I dreamed a dream

208
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:23,196
* In time gone by

209
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:28,602
* When hope was high
and life worth living *

210
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:33,607
* I dreamed that love
would never die *

211
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,177
Wrong dream, blondie.

212
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,179
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

213
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,848
No cake
equals hate.

214
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:44,952
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

215
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,687
No cake
equals hate.

216
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,255
No cake equals hate.

217
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,257
- No cake equals hate.
- I've called every one

218
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,860
of my exes to come down
and vouch for me,

219
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,662
and they're freezing me out.

220
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,930
It's like I'm asking them
for sex again or something.

221
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,932
I was sure this would
clear up on its own,

222
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,200
but I always think that

223
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:02,903
because I can't afford
penicillin.

224
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,006
The diner's still empty.

225
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,941
Did you two get bored
killing your own business

226
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,811
and decide to go after mine?

227
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,913
I can say,
on behalf of all women,

228
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:16,884
none of us are ever
going after your business.

229
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,852
Apparently you've never
met Martha,

230
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,989
the portly cashier
at my neighborhood Rite Aid.

231
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,391
I'm gonna go talk to them,
set them straight.

232
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,828
Well, as much as I can,
given the circumstances.

233
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,232
[chanting continues]

234
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,902
We have been trapped in here
for two days.

235
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,304
It's like we're in
Gaytanamo Bay.

236
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,175
I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.

237
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,043
Free speech.

238
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,714
Your feelings got hurt.
Too bad, so sad.

239
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,281
[gasps]

240
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,284
Oh...my God.

241
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,754
You should have sold him
the damn cupcakes.

242
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,156
I'm Cher, bitch.

243
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,228
What happened?

244
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,998
Cher hates us too.

245
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,734
We must be wrong.

246
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:07,968
That's not the Cher, Max.

247
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,037
It's a Cher impersonator.

248
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:14,742
Then why do I have chills?

249
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,009
I love Cher.

250
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,145
I used to imagine
she was my real mom

251
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,446
and that one day
she'd pick me up

252
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,148
and take me away with her,

253
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,884
and then we'd get matching
see-through body stockings

254
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,987
like normal
mothers and daughters.

255
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,990
Aw, that's so disturbing.

256
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,792
Max, we did nothing wrong.

257
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,026
You can't just back down

258
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,963
because of some
female impersonator.

259
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:40,300
Now you're blonde.

260
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:45,973
Look, Cher,
we did nothing wrong.

261
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,875
Hey, look.
I want a cupcake,

262
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,409
and nobody--
and I mean nobody--

263
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,945
is gonna rain on my parade.

264
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,080
(I)
Attention, everyone.

265
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,083
Attention, everyone.

266
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:59,186
This is the owner
of the diner next door,

267
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,921
and he has something to say,

268
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:04,858
so let's listen
to our gay comrade.

269
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,094
Oh, I'm not gay.

270
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,864
Well, that explains
the sweater vest.

271
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,266
Yep, I'm straight.
Love the ladies.

272
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,269
I'm a bit of
a chick magnet.

273
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:20,007
You're barely the size
of a refrigerator magnet.

274
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,009
There.

275
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,111
Another insensitive remark,

276
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:28,015
this time about
the little people community,

277
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:31,118
just like my friend here.

278
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:34,054
Oh, I'm not
a little person.

279
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,455
Max, do not say anything.

280
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:36,523
Fine.

281
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,225
But this used to be
America,

282
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,862
home of the free
and land of the insult.

283
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,997
Everyone, maybe I can
clear this up.

284
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:48,101
That woman over there
doesn't hate gay people.

285
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,937
- She hates all people.
- Yeah.

286
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,939
[crowd booing]

287
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,507
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

288
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,811
Sophie, what are you doing?

289
00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:00,047
Oh, hi.
Sorry, girls.

290
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,916
No cake equals hate.

291
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,452
Hey, be fair
and fix my hair.

292
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,857
Hi.
Excuse me.

293
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,158
Oh, no,
did we also say something

294
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:14,027
to offend the L.L.Bean
community?

295
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:17,030
Max, now straight people
are mad at us too.

296
00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,032
The cashier in the diner
said this was the best way

297
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,300
to get to you.

298
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:24,071
He also told me his CD
was a bargain at $5.99.

299
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,973
I can't believe you got
past the protestors.

300
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,174
I would have
thought those boys

301
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,210
would have
the back door covered.

302
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,478
Man, it's crazy
out there, right?

303
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,046
I mean, however people
run their business

304
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,281
should be their own business.

305
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:39,119
That was always the company line
when I worked for that cartel.

306
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,254
I read about your situation
on the internet,

307
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:44,024
and I want to order
500 cupcakes.

308
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:46,559
Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?

309
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,930
There is.
Happily married 15 years.

310
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,164
Terry Williams.

311
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,033
"Family Foremost Foundation"?

312
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,602
Yep, the FFF.

313
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,370
Wow, three of them.

314
00:13:57,404 --> 00:14:00,941
You people really
like a good F.

315
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,209
Well, we're a group

316
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,111
of independent
business owners like you.

317
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,013
We're in town for
a convention on Sunday.

318
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,347
Information is on the card.

319
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,950
We'll bet there
with 500 cupcakes.

320
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,252
Oh, Terry,
what kind of cupcakes?

321
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:15,155
It's your business.
You decide.

322
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,960
- Max, how about that?
- I know.

323
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,463
The Brawny paper towel guy
just saved our asses.

324
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,601
Good afternoon, family.

325
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,570
(all)
Good afternoon, Terry.

326
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,672
It's so weird for me
to hear the word "family"

327
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,475
not followed by
the word "court."

328
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,676
I hope you have
some energy left

329
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,946
for the leader of our family,

330
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:42,482
the man who always
puts family foremost,

331
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,917
Brother Dan.

332
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:46,920
[cheers and applause]

333
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:50,090
[triumphant music]

334
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:56,263
*

335
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,065
Good afternoon, family.

336
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,433
(all)
Good afternoon, Brother Dan.

337
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:04,637
And thank you, Brother Terry,
for that warm introduction.

338
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,774
[cheers and applause]

339
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,680
Are they stuck?

340
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:16,283
Um, I think there
might be one more F

341
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,486
in Brother Dan's plan.

342
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:24,424
Today, we are here to celebrate
that most perfect union:

343
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,026
the family.

344
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,661
We rejoice in the family.

345
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,698
We live, we love,
we lust...

346
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:34,701
wholesomely, of course,
for the family.

347
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:39,639
And today, our family
has found two new daughters.

348
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:42,009
[applause]

349
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,577
Girls, why don't you
come up on stage?

350
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,747
Oh, you don't want her
to get on stage.

351
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,050
In fact, why don't you
get that spotlight off us

352
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,352
before she starts
to sing again?

353
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:55,088
Don't be shy.
You two girls went up

354
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,357
against today's
politically correct mafia.

355
00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:01,128
You stood up
to the family destroyers,

356
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:04,197
with their tan,
shirtless torsos

357
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:07,734
and their free
online pornography.

358
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:11,104
Come on up for a hug.

359
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,639
Come on.

360
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,210
Just walk past the stairs
and keep going.

361
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,112
No money is worth being
part of whatever this is.

362
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,413
Let's make a break for it.

363
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,315
(Brother Dan)
And we have a big surprise.

364
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:26,353
Here's a check made out
to Max's Homemade Cupcakes

365
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:29,656
for $10,000!

366
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,758
[triumphant music]

367
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,127
Let's make a break for it
after we get the check.

368
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:50,643
Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms

369
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:55,215
of my loving wife, Peggy.

370
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,318
I have wept about the plight
of these two girls,

371
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:02,322
and I am very thankful
that we could all pull together

372
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,125
to ease their pain.

373
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,293
[cheers and applause]

374
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,327
Thank you.

375
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,503
Max, Caroline,

376
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,705
come closer to me.

377
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,140
Closer?

378
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,275
Does he know
we don't have penises?

379
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:25,612
Come close
so I can present you

380
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,847
your giant check.

381
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,183
I just wish I'd brought
my giant wallet.

382
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,419
No one has to know
we're getting money from them.

383
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,822
Right now, millions
of people are watching

384
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:39,159
as we stream live
around the world.

385
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,561
Oh, this is streaming
right now?

386
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,163
Max, this is streaming.

387
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,664
I'm streaming
a little in my pants

388
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,566
about this check.

389
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:49,402
Right now,
all around the world,

390
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,305
people are seeing
what morals look like.

391
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,807
[applause]

392
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,177
These are the girls
who are standing up

393
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,879
against the deviants,
the divorces,

394
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,716
the scientists,
the hop-hop lovers,

395
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,319
and...
[sucking sounds]

396
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,720
the doobie smokers.

397
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,389
Whoa.

398
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,191
I don't like people
or science, either,

399
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:14,461
but ain't nothing wrong
with a righteous doob.

400
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:18,431
We need to show the world
that we will not tolerate

401
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:23,603
these deviants and these
degenerates any longer!

402
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,904
[cheers and applause]

403
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,639
I don't want to be
associated with these people.

404
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,876
The gays will hate us forever,
and when I get an interior,

405
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,579
I want it decorated.

406
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,881
People watching everywhere,

407
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:39,852
meet the two new
faces of family.

408
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:42,189
[cheers and applause]

409
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,790
You know what we
have to do, right?

410
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:44,824
On the count of three.

411
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,527
One, two...

412
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,529
[audience gasping]

413
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,398
Look away, Peggy!

414
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,301
Hold me, Terry.

415
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,672
I believe this is yours.

416
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:02,675
[upbeat rock music]

417
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:07,414
*

418
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,716
I can't keep up
with all these drinks.

419
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,319
I'm running out
of tiny umbrellas.

420
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:16,489
How will you get home
if it rains?

421
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:18,591
Yes, it's I.

422
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:19,959
Saw your kiss on Instagram,

423
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,295
and I wanted to apologize
for the whole mix-up.

424
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,464
I can be a little
overly sensitive.

425
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,467
Just ask anyone
that works at LancГґme.

426
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,968
Oh, they know me
at LancГґme.

427
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,904
They call me
No More Free Samples.

428
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,273
Listen, I get it.

429
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,542
Nobody wants to be
reduced to some label.

430
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,310
You should hate people
for other reasons:

431
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,845
because
they're gross or mean

432
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,547
or you owe them money.

433
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:41,648
At the end of the day,

434
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,550
we are all just
trying to get by.

435
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,853
Bi? Now, those people
I don't trust.

436
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,457
Hi, sorry I'm late
for the party, girls,

437
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,759
but I was just outside
talking to my new friends,

438
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,962
Lisa Newcar
and Ginger Vitis.

439
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,865
We all wear
the same shoe size!

440
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,235
Ah, ladies, ladies.

441
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,971
I would love to stay
and celebrate,

442
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:07,874
but I've got a hot date
with that fine young thing

443
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,477
at table four.

444
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,911
Good for you, Earl.

445
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:15,848
But I don't know
if that's exactly a woman.

446
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,950
Ladies, I'm almost 80.

447
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:21,254
I don't know that
that's exactly a problem.

448
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,757
A few of the girls and I
took up a collection

449
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:27,460
for shutting your business down
the last couple days,

450
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:28,928
so here.

451
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,401
Cher,
you got me a present?

452
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,737
I've waited for this
my whole life.

453
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:41,708
[deep voice]
You know my name
is Chad, right?

454
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,377
So snap out of it!